My Wholehearted journey of blooming beyond perfectionism wasn’t the path of least resistance. It was a path of consciousness and choice.
The roots of my perfectionism go back to my childhood and teenage years. I coped with bullying in school and a mentally struggling mom with perfecting my external reality, such as my school performance, extracurricular activities and appearance — all of this to be seen and feel worthy of love.
As a perfectionist, I was afraid of failing. I thought in all-or-nothing terms. I thought, and then I acted, in extremes. I couldn’t trust others to do a task correctly, so I rarely delegated. I had demanding standards for myself and others. I had trouble completing a project because I thought there was always something more I could do to make it better. I used the word “should” a lot. My self-confidence depended on what I accomplished and how others reacted to me. I believed perfectionism was a part of my identity. I tended to fixate on what I messed up rather than focusing on what went right. I felt as if though I was running in a hamster wheel, never quite getting there.
Performance was intertwined with my sense of self. If I didn’t succeed, I didn’t just feel disappointment about how I did. I felt shame about who I was.
When I was working on something, I couldn’t relax unless it was perfect; I thought the people around me expected me to succeed at everything I did. I thought “The better I do, the better I am expected to do.”
At some point, my perfectionism turned into a coping mechanism. Perfectionism became equal to recognition, love and affection.
Ironically, the more I strived for love through performance, the more perfectionistic I became, and the lonelier I got. Eventually, I distanced myself from everyone and hit the wall.
As a result, the pursuit of perfection became a vicious cycle – and because it’s impossible to be perfect, a fruitless one.
It wasn’t until I got my flawless diploma in school – and still wasn’t fulfilled – that I awakened: My perfectionism didn’t make me happy. It made me sick.
And do you know what the worst struggle was? I constantly felt empty and unable to feel joy.
I decided to look my fear of failing dead on in the eyes and committed to find a way to free myself from all the destructive habits that held me back in my personal and professional life.
I challenged my comfort zone by travelling the world and building connections with people. I stopped thinking about the rules and norms which allowed me to follow my curiosity. And most importantly, I committed to a life-long journey of self-love and alignment.
Through this process, I wilted, I fell, I rooted, I raised. And now, I’m blooming beyond perfectionism.
I’ve reconnected myself to the power and worthiness I have within. I’ve learned to let go of the judgements and expectations I’ve held of myself and others. I’ve developed boundaries that have allowed me to flourish.
I’ve learned that, until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.
With my work as a worthiness mentor now, I am committed to guide you through the same Wholehearted journey. A journey of practicing courage, compassion, and connection and looking at life and the people around you, and say, “I’m all in”.
As long as you know that you hold the key to your ultimate self and you are willing to put in the time and energy into developing a growth mind-set, we can do this together. I will be there with you every step of the way.