The founder of Positive Psychology, Martin Seligman, writes in his book Authentic Happiness: “It is possible to be proud and satisfied about the past, for example, but to be sour in the present and pessimistic about the future. Similarly, it is possible to have many pleasures in the present, but be bitter about the past and hopeless about the future.”
To the extent that you believe that the past determines the future, you will tend to allow yourself to be a passive vessel that does not actively change its course.
— Martin Seligman, Founder of Positive Psychology
However, letting go can be difficult. Letting go of people, ideas, expectations, desires; letting go of bad habits, false beliefs and unhealthy relationships. The list goes on. Every day, every moment presents an opportunity to create ourselves anew, to shrug off the baggage of the past, open ourselves up to the possibility of the moment and take action to create an incredible future.
WHY DO WE FIND IT HARD TO LET GO OF THE PAST?
For many of us, we get stuck in the past because of our need for certainty. Certainty is fundamentally about survival. Stepping into the unknown is frightening to all of us, because nothing that lies ahead of us is fundamentally certain. Rather, it is uncertain. Take for instance if you’ve been in a violent relationship and experienced being hit, you want to be certain of not getting involved with a potential partner with those traits ever again. Therefore, you hold on to the experience of the past as a defence mechanism in the future. It’s difficult to be vulnerable. And it can be overwhelmingly uncomfortable to have that sense of uncertainty about what lies ahead. So we hang on to the past – because even if it’s steeped in pain, it’s what we are familiar with and what we have certainty about.
The other reason it is difficult to let go of the past has to do with the way we link emotion to information. Consider, for example, a woman who has a feminine core. If her partner does something that causes her emotional pain, she may have a tendency to bring it up over and over again throughout the relationship. And her partner feels like it’s impossible to win because no matter how much he does to amend the situation, the past will still be brought to attention.
According to Life Strategist Tony Robbins, there is a very real reason why she has trouble letting it go.
Think back to the tragic day of 9/11 in USA or 22/07 in Norway. Chances are you can probably picture who you were with and what you were doing when you heard about the terrorist attacks. But if you had to think about 8/11 or 21/07, your memory is likely very blurry when it comes to those details. This is because we do not retain information that does not have an emotion attached to it, that is, an associated feeling. But, information with emotion makes an indelible impression. A highly feminine woman will attach emotion to anything that impacts them in a significant way, especially if it causes her pain or suffering.
Compare that to a masculine force. Why does a man not attach emotion to everything? It’s not that a highly masculine man doesn’t care! It’s because masculine energy is about breaking through and letting go. Feminine energy, on the other hand, is not about letting go – it’s about filling up and gathering up. And when there is still emotion tied to a memory, it becomes increasingly difficult to let go.
But what is this all costing us? How is it impacting our relationships, our lives and our happiness? And how do we learn to loosen our grip so we can move forward in a healthier, happier way?
WHY DO YOU NEED TO LET GO?
The first step is to go all the way in and determine your reason for wanting to let go of the past. Ask yourself: “What are the reasons that you absolutely must move beyond this? How will your life change? How will it change the trajectory of your relationships? And how will you feel in this new chapter of your life?”
Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make, makes you. Choose wisely.
— Roy T. Bennett
This is one of the most important parts of the process because it will help you stay motivated. It’s going to be your emotional drive. You are inevitably going to have setbacks and challenges, but if you have a strong enough reason and a strong enough purpose, you will stay focused and dedicated.
HOW DO YOU LET GO AND MOVE FORWARD?
Reflect.
Take time to reflect on your own history as a third party looking in without judgment: simply observe. Understand that you are not your past. Understand that the situations and patterns and people in your life created your experiences, they didn’t create you. Knowing and understanding your past and some of your patterns will help you to recognize why you hold on and repeat self-destructive behaviours. Understanding creates awareness; awareness helps you break the cycle.
Accept.
Accept your history and the people that have been a part of your history; accept your circumstances and remember that none of these define you. Acceptance is the first step to letting go and setting yourself free.
Empty your cup.
Consciously and actively work at letting go of your story; your judgments and ideals, the material things, all your stuff. They have no real value. They do not make you stronger, healthier or more powerful, and belief in them is a delusion. Pour out your expectations of how, who, where and what you should be as they, too, are part of a story that holds you back from simply being. Once you let go of this story and empty your cup, your life purpose will open up and flow.
Empty your cup, so that it may be filled..
— Bruce Lee
Identity your emotional habits.
Our emotional habits can have profound influence on the way we look at life, the way we carry ourselves, the way we speak, the words we use and the way we act. So why settle for a life where we empower the negative emotions and disempower the positive? By identifying your emotional habits, you can start to make the shift towards actively conditioning yourself towards a more positive experience. Because your emotions are like a muscle – you can train yourself to feel frustrated, sad, stressed or even depressed. Or, you can train yourself to feel passionate, joyful and strong. The more you condition yourself, the more wired those emotions become.
Condition your body and mind.
The ultimate breakthrough happens by conditioning your mind every single day. If you don’t make the conscious effort to decide what you allow into your mind, then you are allowing weeds to grow and to spread. Life just starts to happen to you. No matter how smart you are, how savvy you are, how inspired you are – if you don’t stand guard at the door of your mind, then you are giving the tacit approval of the disempowering, disenchanting and the disillusioning. Feed yourself empowering stories, surround yourself with people who make you better, put yourself in peak state. It’s the small rituals that you do every day that build momentum and, ultimately, lead to massive change.
Contribute.
Lastly, find something you want to serve that is greater than yourself. Live for your family, for community, for humanity. Motive does matter – so find motives that go beyond yourself. No matter how broke you may be or how broken you feel, you have something to offer others. And when you finally make that realization and start giving, you will see your life improve dramatically. Because you now have another level of purpose and meaning in your life.Your life matters – and if you align yourself with the truth that you’re here not just to “get” but to give, then other people will feel your authenticity and they will open up to you. Giving back reminds you what you’re made for. Focusing on the needs of others has a way of motivating you to do more than you thought possible. You feel the benefits immediately. You become more productive. You find creative solutions to problems. You find strength when you’re exhausted. And you’ll be better able to let go of the painful past, and step forward into the future in a more loving and compassionate way.
This post was written after reading the following articles and book:
“How to Let Go of The Past” by Team Tony
“10 Tips to Let Go of the Past & Embrace the Future” by Cat O’Connor
“Authentic Happiness” (2002) by Martin Seligman
