Nobody wants to be abandoned, however, a lot of people grow up with fears around being left alone. You may have plagued by these fears pretty consistently throughout your life. You worry you’ll be rejected by peers, partners, schools, companies, or entire social circles. For many others, these fears aren’t fully realised until they enter into a romantic relationship.
Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden, you feel unedited with insecurity and dread that your partner will either (a) distance themselves, (b) ignore or (c) leave you. You may be set off by anything from an aloof first date to a longtime partner seeming distracted and unavailable. In extreme cases, people can even struggle with an overwhelming fear of being alone or isolated, or uncared for even when they’re with another person.
Every one of us has fears about being left alone. You may struggle with some fundamental feelings that you are unlovable or won’t be accepted for who we are. At that point, it may be that you get in touch with your “critical inner voice,” a negative internal dialogue that chronically criticises you or gives you bad advice. This ‘voice’ often perpetuates your fear of abandonment: “He’s gonna leave you,” it warns. “She’s probably cheating,” it cries.
GET TO UNDERSTAND WHERE THE ABANDONMENT FEARS COME FROM
In order to understand where your abandonment fears come from, ask yourself: “How and why does it develop? How does it affect me in my current life? What are strategies for dealing with the anxiety that arises? How can I develop more resilience and experience less fear around relationships?”
As children, people may experience real losses in the family or rejections by classmates. The losses can be dramatic, like a death of a loved one, or emotional like losing friends and lovers over and over again. They can also occur in everyday interactions between parents and children. A parent who may at one moment be present and meeting the child’s needs, then at another moment be entirely unavailable and rejecting, can lead the child to form an ambivalent attachment pattern. As a result, you may actually carry your early attachment history acts into your adult relationships.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU NOTICE YOUR ABANDONMENT FEARS AMP UP
Now to the important part: What tools and strategies can you bring into your life that can calm you down when you notice your fears amp up?
Self-kindness: This refers to the idea that you should be kind, as opposed to judgemental, toward yourself. The more you can have a warm, accepting attitude toward yourself and your struggles, the stronger you’ll feel in the face of difficult circumstances. You can for sure be a better friend to yourself, can’t you?
Mindfullness: Being mindful is helpful, because it helps you not to over-identify with your thoughts and feelings in ways that allow you to get carried away. Who you feel afraid of something like being abandoned, you tend t have a lot of mean thoughts toward yourself perpetuating this fear. Imagine if you could acknowledge these thoughts and feelings without letting them overtake you. Could you take a gentler attitude toward yourself and let these thoughts pass like clouds in the sky instead of floating off with them – without losing your sense of yourself and, often, reality?
Common humanity: The more you can accept that you are human and, like all humans, you will struggle in your lives, the more self-compassion and strength you can cultivate. If you can constantly remember that you are not alone and that you are worthy, you can help yourself avoid believing those cruel and incorrect messages, telling you that you will be abandoned or that you’re unwanted.
