After two weeks inside of my apartment, lots of meditation, too many cups of tea and hours of reading and writing, I decided to do go for a day trip adventure, which I’ll show you photos from. I needed to get out of my head, so bad. Get out in nature, to free my thoughts. Because, despite that I’m happy about that I released my life coach website and is starting my studies, the last week has been particularly rough for me. Staying away from my love and having a deal with him to only call once a week, is hard. It is so bloody hard when I don’t know when I’ll see him again. Our relationship has been forced apart by distance, and so I’m questioning: “Does absence makes the heart grow fonder?” or “our of sight, out of mind”?
It’s difficult to control our emotions. It’s difficult to predict exactly how distance will make us feel, exactly how it will manipulate our perspective in a romantic situation.When it comes to romance, we’ve all experienced the unexpected. Love is impossible to predict. Not knowing whether I will spend the majority of my days missing my boyfriend or the majority of your days forgetting him is what makes distance, in any sense of the word, so goddamn scary.
Some days, I find myself pining for his touch. I find myself crying, venting to anyone who will listen and clutching memories of good times in my head like they’re the only things I have left of him. His emails make my heart skip several beats, causing me to ignore everything around me, if only to squeeze in a little bit of conversation. If we haven’t talked in awhile, I’m hyperaware of every second that passes during which I am not speaking with him. On other days, I might go a full day, or two, or five, without texting, and I won’t even notice how much time has gone by since I spoke with him. I find myself getting caught up in my own life.
Distance means it’s impossible to touch, smell, listen to or simply be in the presence of the him whenever I want – all of which are ways human beings show affection.
The worst part of all of this is that I don’t know how he feels, however how many times he has reminded me that we’ll go through this and get stronger. Because in addition to feeling anxiety about what will happen to my feelings, I’ll also have anxiety about his feelings. Is he spending his time pining over me or letting me fade away? Is he yearning for my touch, my voice, my scent or forgetting why he even needed it in the first place?
Is his heart growing fonder or is my removal from his sight removing me from his mind? Most importantly, are our feelings aligning? Am I pining while he is letting me fade? Or vice versa?
I want easy solutions to complex problems. I want to know I will be okay. But romance is not black and white, so in order to figure out if I’ll be okay, I’ll have to focus on the details of the situation – all of the shades and colors with which the situation will be clouded. I’m forgetting the adages. Throwing away the clichés. I don’t listen to what anybody – not even anonymous wordsmiths of the era during which these sayings were created – tells me about how my life should unfold.
I tell myself: It’s okay that stuff is messy. Love doesn’t have to be perfect. Just worth it.
